Abrel Lina's Ramblings

A letter to no one

2011-03-11T05:09:00.000-08:00

Dear You,

Words cannot express how much disappointed I am with you and with the situation.
As much as I understand how things aren't under your control, I also realize that you at least have a control of not letting me down.

It was all for fun. It was all for good times. It was a time away from all the stress that you and I are both experiencing. It was for us to unwind, eat our emotions and laugh the troubles away.

So when you gave me the idea of a quick escape, I gladly let my guard down.

It wasn't easy. There were second thoughts, there was this too much self control that I do, which is to prevent myself from disappointment.

I've told you that you better be sure. I've asked you if it was just an impulsive offer due to some uncontrollable emotions on your part. You assured me that it was neither and I trusted you.

We once had this conversation, break my trust once and that's all it take to severe trust and friendship.

I do understand how complicated the situation is. Trust me, I mean no harm and believe me when I say that I am truly here for you and that I care about you, maybe more that you do for me.

But I can't be this friend whose emotions gets toyed with every time shit happens with you. Times when you want to feel needed, valued and validated, I don't want to be your "next option". Don't get me wrong, I do value the friendship that we have. But please, don't use me as an escape to your reality.

I am writing this because it is the only release I have. I do mean what I said, I am not going to talk to you beyond necessary.

Thank you for everything.

I truly wish you all the happiness, the true happiness and true love you deserve.

weheartit.com

Of surgery and deadline.

2011-02-09T01:44:00.000-08:00

The alarm went off and I knew there's no way I can negotiate with the snooze button. I've hit it once already. I needed to get up and get going. The warm shower was helping wash away my anxiety. I realize it'll be easy and quick for me to get ready, just a
some (and matching) undergarments, yoga pants and a white Fallon Greenwave basketball shirt and I'm good to go. No make up, no jewelry, no contacts - that's what the nurse told me.

Yesterday was the day of my surgery.

~~They found~~ I found a lump on my left breast, got it all checked at the base clinic, had an ultra sound to make sure it's really a lump and long story short, they need to take it out to make sure it's benign and not damaging in the long run.

So there I was sitting in the lobby. I was reading David Lord Stewie's hilarious tweets. Laughter is something that puts me at ease. That and Stewie's tweets were really obnoxious and funny.

Nurse Cathy called my name. I wanted to run towards the nearest exit and forget about this whole thing. The thought of having a surgery doesn't really scare me. What bothers me is the mere fact that they have to put IV on me. That stupid needle is a pain in the ass. I have such small and not so visible veins. I've been traumatized. 13 years ago, I had the same medical procedure and guess what, I had been poked and pricked so many times, I actually have sympathy for voodoo dolls!

Luckily, Nurse Cathy knows what she's doing. She's been doing this for 33 years, she says. Yeah right, I thought. But she proved me wrong when all it took was one try and she got the IV on my hand! Rockstar, that's what I called her afterwards. She even admitted herself that it's hard to find a vein in my hand and they're so tiny but she managed. It hurt but I'm not complaining.

The doctor came and talked to me prior to the procedure. I remember the nurse injecting something to relax me, and it relaxed me alright! I remember vaguely her wheeling me out of the pre-op room and all I said was, "wheee! roadtrip!". How embarrassing! Haha!

Next thing I know, I was already at the recovery room. I was so sleepy and have never wanted to sleep so bad in my entire life. I told the nurse I want to go home so I can sleep comfortably in my bed. David helped me get dressed since I can't even stand on my own. Maybe that's how it feels to be intoxicated? I'd never know because I have yet to get drunk.

I slept the rest of the day. I woke up later that evening, walked to home office and sat in front of the computer to finish my article. Yes, even through that whole ordeal, I was thinking of my deadline. I need to get it done, after all, I've been procrastinating the entire weekend.

So I am might proud of my article for tomorrow's paper - 02/09/11 . People won't know but I do, and a few of my readers will do too, that article was written on the same day I came out of surgery, light-headed, anesthesia wearing off and all.

If that's not total dedication, then I don't know what.

Here's me hoping..

2011-01-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the editor of the local newspaper in town, the Lahontan Valley News. I'm going in for a freelance correspondent position. A friend of mine referred me to the editor.

This isn't my first time meeting him nor it's my first attempt to get my foot in the door at the newspaper. But it never really bothered me. I've never expected to get in so easily, even as a correspondent.

It's not that my self confidence is low or not that I don't care. It's more of I don't want to disappoint myself. Journalism is what I went to college for. College felt like eons ago. It's been a while and I am quite rusty but I am up for the challenge. Yet I am still longing to write. I'm still longing for the glory of the "by line". I just want to write stories. Hard news, in fact.

So tomorrow, at 4pm, I will know if the Universe will grant me this secret longing of mine, an opportunity to write again.

Hello 2 0 1 1 !

2011-01-17T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm back to blogging. Again. I've probably typed that same line every time I disappear from the blogosphere. (Is there such term?) Well, if there wasn't, now there's one.

So much things has happened the past few months, where do I even begin?

Ah, my trip back home: Philippines.

It was short and bittersweet. I could not believe that I was only there for 3 weeks. Better than nothing at all, right? I had the best time of my life when I went home. I spent loads of time with my family and friends. I wish I could say I ate lots of food but I got sick during the first week that I opted to eating soup instead of all the lobster tail, calamari rings and fresh seafood that were in front of me. I've never been so mad at myself for having a sore throat, other than that exact moment!

We visited both of my parents' hometown and get to see my family. So much fun!

Needless to say, that vacation was so much fun. Me and my family get to be together again. :)

Now, I'm back to reality. Back to working. Back to mundane routines. At least I get loads of kisses from my little furry lovelies! :)

I usually don't do resolutions, I think they're a waste of time. but I am making a promise to myself that I am going back to blogging more regularly. I'm going to make an effort to write down my thoughts, I know that when I first got here in the US, my blog was my outlet. It helped me with preserving my sanity, and really, I should just write. Writing helps me vent out this pent up emotions.

So here's to 2011 and more blogging!

images by wehearit.com

Cheers to my few readers!!!

Almost there...

2010-09-09T03:13:00.000-07:00

weheartit.com

I can't contain my excitement. David and I are planning our trip to Philippines. It's been close to 4 years since the last time I was home. So many things have changed from then. My best friends are now Mommies. They've got their pride and joy and are very happy and content with the joys of motherhood. I have yet to find out what that entails, although I have enough experience with infants, babies and kids just by taking care of my cousins hands on.

I'm digressing. But needless to say, there's so much catching up that needs to be done. Not only that, we're going to be hoping from one island to another so David can meet my family and I'm talking about the entire clan. Haha. I'm pretty sure that the family gathering I had with his family in Wisconsin last year is not even close to how much of my family he's going to be meeting.

All of these have to done in 3 weeks. Goodness! I wish we can stay longer. Well, I can. David has to get a visa, it's not a big deal but we both have jobs that we have come back to and our doggies. We still have yet to look at our options on where we'll have them boarded. Maybe I can find somebody reliable who's going to treat our babies with lotsa love and affection while we're away? There's always the boarding place but it costs and arm and a leg for both of them. I just want them safe and not abused.

Speaking of work, I am still waiting for my approval. I've given my leave application to my supervisor and I'm hoping there's no glitch. We're so short staffed, it's not even funny.

But I'm firm on my decision that if they don't give me my time off, I'm going to quit. My family matters more to me than any job in this world.

We'll see. For now, I'm all about positive thoughts and looking forward to going home! :)

I'm sure the Universe can hear me...

2010-09-01T12:36:00.001-07:00

So much happened yesterday that I literally was waving my white flag. I was to the point of giving everything up. I want to do so much, achieve so much but there's nowhere for me to start and I feel like there's no way I could move further.

Then, I realized that I have to make it happen. I have to pave my way. There's going to be a lot of elbow grease. But I know the effort will be worth it.

Interwebs, I'm putting this out there. Someday, in the near future, I will be a great photographer. I will be known as an artist with a heart and my images will captivate the subject's story and personality.

I believe it's going to happen in its own time. In my heart, I know this is what I want to do.

Hopefully, a year from now, when I look back and read this post, I'll smile and pat myself on the back for not giving up, as daunting as it is right now...

This is my dream. I will make it happen. So help me God and the Universe.

Up, up, up and it all fell down!

2010-08-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you are so happy, soaring with all ecstatic-ness, full of hopeful determination and ready to take things into your own hands... and then somebody pulls the rug off your feet?

That's how I'm feeling right now. Heart broken. Disappointed. Frustrated.

In my own little world of make believe, I want to be a photographer. I want to rock it out there and capture beautiful pictures. I want to be able to tell a story through my lens. I want to share it to the world, the beauty and the warm fuzzy feeling that's embodied in that photo.

In my own little world of make believe, I believe I can do it. I believe that I have enough support system to do it. That somebody's got my back. That whenever I am in a funk or in a freak-out, I-can't-do-this-anymore moment, I can rely on somebody.

In my own little world of make believe, I know that somebody also believes in me, encourages me, supports me and will do anything to help me achieve my dreams.

BUT in reality, I am not even an inch of a photographer I want to be. Yes, I can take photos but I am on a learning process as I go. I take everything I have to learn and absorb it like a sponge. I am excited and have high hopes of making such dream into reality.

But also in reality, I am alone. There I said it. I have no support network. I have people who leave kind comments and give encouragement and I am truly thankful for that. But what I mean with support network are the vital people in my life: family, friends who knows me, those who are close to my heart... I don't have that here.

I am in a strange place. I live in a small town and barely audible with the marketing strategy that I'm slowly doing.. I'm not saying I need a cheering squad, but I need somebody to motivate me, somebody who is going to take this journey of creative growth with me. Somebody who won't hold me back, not just by saying "Do whatever you want". But also by saying, "Yes, I'm willing to help you and support you as you take your baby steps".

Maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe that's too high of an expectation. I don't know. All I know is that's what partnership is for. You're supposed to be there for each other. Uplift each other's spirits. Guide each other's path, not because you need to be "holding their hand all the way" but because nothing pleases you more than seeing your partner grow (creatively, emotionally or whatever they want to do for themselves).

I've then came to a realization that at this point in my life, I have to set my dreams aside. I'm not giving up, I'm not quitting. I'm realizing that it's not the right time and I'm not at the right place. I am strong enough to acknowledge the fact that I can't do this by myself. I am honest to see what's in front of me and evaluate reality.

In truth, I need to be home. Home with my family, with my friends, with my solid support system. I need all the love and support I can get. It's not fair to place this burden to an unwilling individual. It's not right to set this expectation for somebody who's done things alone, not asking for help and I don't place blame if that person doesn't understand.

Maybe it's time for me to move on.. to stop placing a square peg into a round hole. That way, I can live my little dream from my own world of make believe and turn it into reality without limitations, without hesitations, without feeling like I'm a burden.

All images are from weheartit.com

She's back home

2010-08-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

Nini's remains came home today. She's now in a little wooden box carved with intricate designs.

When the vet's office called, I didn't want to go and pick it up. David had to. Because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose it, again.

We've been doing better for the past few days. We still think of her, every single day and miss her. But slowly, the acceptance of her passing is settling in.

I still tweet about it whenever I miss her. But I'm reassured that she's up in heaven playing and being cute around the angels, Brookelynne and my grandparents.

Someday, I know Nini will be waiting for me by the Rainbow bridge. Until then, we have good memories to hold on to.


One sweet morning at the hotel room when we were in San Francisco. Yes, we take all of our dogs to trips with us. Nini has been to San Francisco. ; )

She wanted to stay on the bed with Daddy. They were looking at Tod and Belle which were down by the carpet.

One day at a time...

2010-08-20T02:43:00.000-07:00

I admit, as soon as I get off work, I take the a longer route on my way home. I don't want to go home immediately because every time I walk in the front door, I get flashbacks of what happened that Tuesday. The painful memory comes back and stabs me once again.

One afternoon, I woke up crying because I glanced towards Nini's bed and saw that she'll never be there again. There was one time when I had Tod and Belle in the backyard and I found myself calling Nini's name too, just out of habit.

I'm allowing myself to process the pain now. I'm being brave enough to go home and walk in the door, greet Tod and Belle and get used to not seeing Nini anymore.

I realize that not everybody will understand what I'm going through and that is okay. In fact, it's a good thing if you don't because then it would mean that you haven't experienced a pain like this.

I know people are going to say, "But it's just a dog. It's a pet. I think you're overreacting". I don't expect them to understand. We have our own story, our own life that we live. My life is my family. Here in the US, my family consists of David, Tod, Belle and Kneesaa. They're the ones I come home to every day. They're the ones I share laughter, tears and silly moments with.They have my heart. And I believe that it goes without saying that if you lose a member of your family, your heart is shredded to pieces and broken.

It will take time but it will heal. But then again, there will always be that scar.

image credit: http://weheartit.com

See you later, Kneesaa.

2010-08-19T02:37:00.000-07:00

Our little baby girl, Kneesaa left us for heaven last Tuesday morning.

Around 7:20ish I was still at work (I work graveyard shift) when I received a text message from David asking what time I'll be home. I responded through a phone call because 1) he's never really asked what "specific time" I'll be home. 2) He's supposed to be at work, why does it matter? I asked him if he's okay. He said he is but he's not at work. This worried me. I asked if something bad happened, he said he'll tell me when I get home and not to worry about it.

I rushed home as soon as I can and the moment I walked in the house and David asked me to sit, I knew something BAD happened. I straight up asked what the hell is going on and I saw the pained look on his face as tears start to roll down when he told me "Kneesaa died this morning". The statement didn't really sink in right away. All I could say was, "WHAT?" and I looked into the bedroom trying to listen for Nini's playful growl. Then it hit me. "What? She's dead? WHAT? What happened????", I asked. At this point, I was in hysterics.

David told me he didn't really know what happened to her. He got up, started to get ready for work, he let the doggies go out the backyard for their morning routine (drink, potty, run around) and as soon as he was dressed for work, he went back and let them in the house. Then he noticed Nini wasn't in her kennel so he went back and as he opened the back door, he found Nini laying on our back porch unresponsive. She was barely breathing.

David rushed her to the vet. When I say rush, I mean like 100mph-driving rush. Our lil Nini didn't even make it to the vet. They told David that she was already gone and there was nothing they can do. David said he could barely get up to his feet when they broke the news.

I was in disbelief after hearing the story. I asked my husband if she was in pain or something was wrong with her that morning and he said no. She was still playing with our cat, Reese. Nothing out of the ordinary.

We went back to the vet where Nini was so I can say good bye to her. On our way there, tears kept rolling. I told David I don't think I can see her that way. But I summoned all my courage and did it.

The vet tech came in with Nini wrapped in a towel embroidered with butterflies. I thought to myself, that is fitting for our little Panini. She really looked peaceful. Her eyes weren't all the way shut and the tech said that's normal. They also said they don't know the cause of death. She didn't have any bite marks and no signs of being poisoned.

As soon as the vet gave us our alone time with Nini, I broke down. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out and hugged her. I kept telling her to wake up and kept telling her that I love her. David did the same and it was heartbreaking seeing my husband so devastated. I know he love Nini. He fondly called her his "wittle giwl".

We probably spent half an hour in that little exam room with Nini. We even took photos. I regretted not taking enough photos of her. I had quite a few on my phone but still, I wanted more. And more than anything else, I want her back. I want her spunky, feisty, funny, vocal, cute self back. But I know it's not happening.

David and I decided to have her cremated. Why? So that we can take her with us. We move a lot and we don't like the thought of leaving her here in Nevada.

So, there goes the story. Every bit of it. It's painful to keep answering people on my Facebook over and over again about what happened so I decided to write it all here.

It's been only two days since she left us and the pain is still fresh. It hurts a lot.

I know we still have Belle and Tod and I love those two very much, but there's that void. There's an empty space where Nini used to be. There's a silence when there used to be her playful growl filling the air. There's no more tugging on the seams of my jeans as I get ready for work. There's no more cutesy hugs from her. There's no more lil munchkin who follows me around, even when I go to the bathroom or when I take a shower. There's no more her, no more Kneesaa.

Knowing and accepting that hurts like a motha. I miss her.

David and I are going through the grieving process. We know it's out of our control and we know she's in a better place. We just wished she didn't have to leave us so soon and so sudden.

To my dear Kneesaa,

Mommy and Daddy loveyou very much. We miss you a lot. We miss your playful nature. We miss your silly noises. Tod and Belle miss you too. We hope you're happy up there with Brookelynne. We'll see you someday. You'll be missed forever.

Stay happy, baby girl.

Sweetest dreams, my little Nini.

AprilRichardsonPhotography dot net

2010-08-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

I wish I was kidding when I say I spent 6 hours, 6 bloody hours, editing my website! I kept undoing, redoing, accidentally deleting things!

Well, I'm happy with the result, for now. :)

Head over there and lemme know what you think! ; )

click on the screen shot, it's magic! ;)

Yep, I'm alive!

2010-08-13T02:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a while and I know I keep saying that. So much going on with my life that I feel like I'm gonna need bullets. No, not the fatal kind, just the list kind. ^_^

I've decided to chase my dream as a photographer! For real. It took a while for me to realize that it's what I really want to do. I've dabbled into some crafty phase, I mean I'm still crafty and all, but I was thinking of doing stuff on Etsy. Then I realized that I make things for myself and I like to keep it that way. Although I keep praying that somehow I'd find my calling. I keep getting stuff from my "Notes from the Universe" saying that I'm close to realizing my dreams. I'm going, "what dreams? I don't even know what I want!". And all of a sudden, it was like an epiphany. I have a DSLR and two sets of lens that have been sitting in my closet collecting dust. I've given photography a rest for months because I felt unmotivated. Well, I thought, I know I can do that. I know that it'd come to me naturally and I know that once I get myself back on track, I'd be having a real good time with it. So I called my best friend and ask her if she can model for some test shots. She said yes and the rest is history. ^_~

We moved, again! This is our 2nd move for this year and it's only August! Well, we had to and the bank offered us a sweet deal, we couldn't resist. Now, the unpacking and putting things away is driving me crazy. Our house is a MESS. I'm not even thinking of taking a photo because it's THAT embarrassing!

Allergies will be the death of me. Lately, I've been a mess! It started with my nose being like a waterfall one second and then would suffocate me the next. It's like a bi-polar syndrome, extreme dripping and next thing you know, it's all plugged and I have to breathe through my mouth! Now, my eyes have been SO ITCHY that I'm tempted to put drops of vinegar in them! I was *thisclose* to considering it but I still have a bit of sanity to think twice. Then here comes asthma! Hacking and wheezing and not being able to breathe.

That's it for now. I'm hoping I survive this health issues I'm dealing with right now. It's not easy. =(

The one where I had to kiss a dummy!

2010-06-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had our First Aid/CPR training from the American Red Cross. It was quite informative and I learned so many things.
Also, I never realized that I have the capability to be human enough to function after only 3 hours of sleep and to sit there for hours and hours listening to all those First responder blah blah’s.

I could not get pass the graphic images of people losing fingers and other body parts and oh, the lacerations too! How am I supposed to proceed on studying Nursing if I can’t even stop myself from cringing at the sight of those images on printed paper!!

The worst part was doing the CPR on the dummies. I was shaking, palpitating and felt like I saying “screw this whole thing, I’d rather fail this than give CPR to that limbless, lifeless, creepiest piece of rubber and plastic!”.

"Pimp in distress! Pimp in distress!" LOL!

But then, I got over it and passed!
Yeah, this entry is as boring as my day was yesterday. Blah.

The end. =)

Snapshots

2010-06-07T01:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a while now since the last time I tried taking photographs. I mean, I've taken quite a few, out of vanity-sake or just for giggles. But I haven't taken it to heart, like I used to.

After the subtle change in my life, I stopped taking photos. Photos of the beautiful things I see day by day. I can still spot angles and such but I've never even thought of taking snapshots of it. Why? Well, I felt like I'm too unmotivated.

It's always been at the back of my head to "one of these days, give it another try". Today, I finally did it.

I and the husbandry went for a drive towards the reservation and out on the countryside and took photos with my point and shoot cam. It's not so good as I expect it to be, it was windy and I missed the natural light period, you know, that glow close to sunset? yeah, that one.

Anyway, I have been into Polaroid effects lately so I've decided to turn these into Polaroids since they look better that way.

This shot reminds me of the movie "Time Traveler's Wife".

I feel like a time traveler will soon appear from behind those trees.

I like this shot =)

Twigs and trees around the reservation.

I'll carry my point and shoot my camera in my purse and my DSLR in my car. Hopefully, I can keep up with this from now on.

hello old blog

2010-06-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to access my other blog, one which I planned on really using for realsies. but for some reason, I can't figure out which email address I used for that sucker. Ugh!

So here I am again...

I realized that I really need to blog more often. It's my outlet. Twitter is not enough. Sure, I ramble a lot there, but blogging is more like a free flowing expression of things that I keep to myself because I have nobody to talk to (D isn't really into the whole "girly expression" thingy).

So here's hoping that I'll be able to keep up with blogging again, I know I could, just plain lazy sometimes.

why hello there, blog!

2009-09-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

whew! it's been a while. where do I start? So much has happened? Nothing significant, except for our trip to Wisconsin which was so much fun!

here's our souvenir photo from Little Norway, WI.

It was so much fun meeting David's family. More importantly, I've seen a different side of him that makes me love him more. :)

Day One

2009-07-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

For the 30-Day Shred that I have long been procrastinating to do.

Finally, we did it today. Yes, we. David has to do it, as well. I think I can pull through the work out better if he's right beside me struggling and panting, sweating buckets, knowing that I'm not alone and I need a silent encouragement.

So the 20 minutes was short. But torture.

It wasn't bad, like really really bad. But it was pretty much like death as well.

I keep flipping Jillian off. I mean, damn those abs, those muscles, those legs.

I am going to try my hardest to do this as often as I can. Daily, if must be.

I really really need to lose weight so I'm going to try to stick to this.

So help me, God.

so what really happened...

2009-07-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

this post is a continuation or a conclusion of my previous post.

I found a box with some of his past in it (letters and rings). One ring had bothered me the most. It was a beautiful. Inside in an old black velvet dusty box was an engagement ring.

What crossed my mind was exactly this, "What the fuck is this engagement ring doing here? Why is he keeping his ex's engagement ring here? In our house? WHY?".

Those were the screaming thoughts in my head. Fuming mad thoughts.

While all this was happening, he was at work. We were exchanging texts. Him, trying to explain and calm me down. Me, trying to break up with him and things one might say in anger.

He got home late at night. We had the talk.

He said that he forgot all about those letters. He wasn't aware it was still there. And he tossed ALL of it out. Good.

And he proceeded to tell me that the engagement ring hasn't been given to anybody. Nobody had deserved it. No ex has seen it and certainly, have had it.

You know what else sucks? He told me he was planning to give it to me on our trip to the Philippines next year. But I blew it. And um, now I just have to wait for the surprise.

The thing is, I love surprises. BUT I absolutely hate it when somebody tells me they have a surprise for me. It drives me crazy. Which brings to the other thing that I hate, waiting. I absolutely have no patience for surprises.

But I guess, I'll just have to wait.

Bitch.

pouring it all out...

2009-07-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is April. I'm 25 years of age and a divorcee.

I've had my heart broken a lot of times and it's not fun. I try my best to snap out of it and move on. People always say, "What's the use of crying?". But I can't help but cry. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that's just how it's going to be.

I tend to be vulnerable. Maybe because most of the time, I chose to keep quiet. I chose to go on my own and not mind people's mean remarks. And I know with this choice, I'm treated like a door mat.

People sometimes call me timid, weak and somebody "you can chew and spit out". I just let them be. Because I don't want to prove myself to anybody, what for?

Today, I was just going to clean the house while I'm alone and I have the time.

What I didn't expect was to uncover some things from the past. Somebody's past. I don't know what to make of it. Was it a way of clinging to a piece of the past? Or was it just "accidentally" forgotten?

There is one thing I know of myself. I don't like omission of facts. Yes, I am fully aware that we all have past. But once both of you have talked about leaving it all behind, then that means leaving ALL of it behind.

I can't bear to see a remnant of someone's past.

More importantly, I can't take it all in that what I am is a filler of what somebody couldn't have. I could never fill in those shoes. Nor stand in for those shadow. I will not be able to replace the-once-was-the-leading-lady of the story. I could never fit in the mold. That was her. This is me.

So right now, I am so perplexed. My heart is broken and I am a beautiful mess.

I know, this too shall pass. It hurts like a bitch. But I've been through the worst.

I realize that there is no use in crying, but for now, this is the best I could do.

CAUTION:

2009-06-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a major blog renovation. Yet again.
I figured that since there's a lot of endless things to do in the house, I'm going to take out some of my decorating frustrations and aspirations here on my blog.

Pardon the debris.

It'll be done soon and I'm updating all my blog read links and will resume to regular blogging.

Agenda:

2009-06-05T12:37:00.000-07:00

~~8:00am-12:00pm - Work~~
12:00pm-1:00pm - Cook, eat lunch and clean up the kitchen
1:00-2:00pm - Laundry
2:00pm-3:00pm - Take a sweet sweet nap.
3:00-4:00pm - Laundry, again
4:00pm - 5:00pm - Clean the office/guest room
~~Maybe I'll do all of these tomorrow? No?~~
Oh yeah, stop procrastinating, it's ridiculous already!

Oh, and the 30-day Shred DVD came in the mail from Amazon.com yesterday. I can't wait to try it. I've read ~~this bitch can your butt to fitness~~ good reviews, meaning it's a total torture and I'm hoping this will be a routine for me and David. One that we can stick to.

I really need to lose about 30lbs! I want to get back to my pre-US immigration weight.

I'm so out of shape, good luck to me.

on things that have been running on my mind...

2009-06-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning - I want a clutter-free house. Seriously. I didn't think it would be too hard to ask.
Laundry - it seems endless.
Home Decor - I want this apartment to be full of personality (our personality). I have been looking for inspiration and I'm hoping it's not going to be expensive and David goes along with it.
Crafts - I already have too many pending craft projects.
Blog List - for some reason, my blog roll doesn't allow me to add my fave blog list. I guess I have to do it manually.
Time - I want a lot of time to do all of these...

it's creeping up, slowly...

2009-05-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

~~Depression.~~ Self Pity. That's what it is.

It's like this relentless feeling that would not stop. I am fighting it. I really am. But sometimes, it gets the best of me.

Like tonight.

I was fine, a little bit stressed, but nothing too bad. I've been browsing my friends' page over at Friendster and MySpace, checking out photos and getting updates of how their life has been. It's nothing stalkerish, that's what a social networking site is for, right?

Anyhow, I saw two friend's pages. They've just given birth. Months ago. And bam! They're back to their pre-pregnancy weight.

I cannot also deny that Summer's almost here and it's been quite a Summer in the Philippines already. People in their swimsuit. Damn, they look so good!

Then, that's when this dark unapologetical self pity consumes me. Here I am, no kids and I'm FAT.

For some reason, that word just makes me cringe and cry. After being called fat numerous times, I finally broke down. I cried on David's shoulders, pouring out what I've been holding back.

I thank God for giving me a great boyfriend. He was very supportive, he calmed me down and he made me feel better. I know that he didn't just say things to "make me feel better", I can feel his honesty and his sincerity.

He reminded me that he's the only one that matters. What other people say doesn't and shouldn't mean anything.

I know he is right. I should start believing him and keeping that in mind.

The goodness in the heart is what matters anyway... That and I've got somebody who really loves me, fats and all.

things to do:

2009-05-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

Organize the walk in closet. I already have 3 shirts in the donation box, that's a sign of progress, right?
Toss out shoes that ~~gives me torture~~ I don't wear.
Take out more boxes to the garbage can. The thing is, our trash day here is Wednesday. It feels like forever!
Tackle the ~~mess pile~~ laundry that I have to do in the guest bedroom.
Organize my desk upstairs.
Stop procrastinating!

Who would have thought?

2009-05-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I detest shopping for clothes for myself. You heard that right. I’m loathing the thought of it.

Why? Because this time, I REALLY NEED to shop. See, I have been stuffing my face with so much food and so much junk, not to mention I went back to drinking soda that I might as well have a Pepsi IV. So it would not be much of a surprise that I gained weight. A lot.

Yesterday morning was the rude awakening, to the truest sense of the word.

I tried every bottoms I have in my closet. Nothing fits. My work capris, heck, I’d be lucky if I can zip it up. My black slacks that I got from JC Penney not so long ago (and I haven’t worn them yet!), I can’t even button it. Well, I can button it but you’d never at look muffins the same way again.

See my dilemma? I was depressed all day yesterday. I felt like I’m a huge hippo sitting on the front desk. That would be comical if it was some other day, but yesterday, I just want to break down and cry.

The boyfriend doesn’t have any problem with my weight. He keeps on refuting my statement every time I tell him that I’m fat. He says, I may be pudgy but not fat. Being of an awesome boyfriend that he is, he bought a treadmill. That sucker is sitting in our guest bedroom collecting dust because I cannot work out in such a cluttered room. (We haven’t unpacked all of our stuff yet.)

I know I can work out and lose it. But I cannot keep wearing the same skirt or pants (those few that fit and just create an “acceptable” muffin top) week by week until I drop down two sizes. Hell. No.

So the only solution is to get me some new work clothes with a bigger size.

Shit.

So, I've been M.I.A. for quite a while...

2009-05-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

Blogger.com has been "blocked" at work by ~~those stupid blogging-pooper people~~ corporate. Not only that, Wordpress and Typepad too.

My old blog site is the only site I can access. That's where I've been blogging. Oh goodness, it's my only therapy, blogging. There is no way I'm giving up on it.

So I will be cross posting.

Maintaining two blog is going to be an bitch, but hey, a blogger has gotta do what she has to do.

Random thoughts

2009-05-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

I hate moving with passion. I told David we are not moving for a year. I don't care if Obama wants to evict us.
Well, unless Edward wants me to move in at Forks with him, I might give that a thought. ;)
Tod, our lil pup is out of control. He thinks it's all fun and games and he doesn't care how tiny he is and the scary thought of getting stepped on isn't on top of his priorities.
The house is a mess.
I can't wait for this mess to be over with. One more week to go... We're giving up this place and finally just settling in at the townhouse.
I'm excited though... It's about 3 blocks from where I work and I can walk to and from work. It's a new work out for me. Wooot!

Thank goodness she didn't see my butt cheeks blush!

2009-05-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

People say the most awkward things sometimes...

David and I were at the Wal-Mart parking lot, trying to fit the dining set and a bookcase into the back of my car, when a girl suddenly said, "Hey".

I looked at her and she was looking at me and said, "I like your butt".

I was like, "umm.. thanks?". Insert awkward smile here.

She shrugged, "I'm sorry but I just like it". The boyfriend was shaking his head.

Again, I gave her my awkward smile and went back to what I was doing.

Well, I'd to take it as a compliment despite the weirdness and the awkwardness of it all.

Let the photos do the talking...

2009-05-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

April 21, my birthday. I got flowers from my co-workers, they were so sweet to have thought of me on my day. David gave me a Coach purse (wheee!). I got a kiss, of course.Huge bouquet of flowers (roses and calla lilies) were delivered at work from my man. :)

We had dinner at Red Lobster. Food was good. My company, was even better. :)

We went to Vegas over the weekend. 6-hour-and-a-half-trip. Tiresome but worth it. We watched Wayne Brady's show. It was well worth it. We walked down the strip and shopped a lot.

Some of the hotels found on the Las Vegas Boulevard.

My Vegas Loot! Sandals from Sketchers. A mask from The Venetian hotel. and a Coach wallet to match the Coach purse that David gave me.

And yes, my very first Louis Vuitton(s). Montroguel PM (David got this for me) and the Sarah Wallet (I got this for myself).

Wooooooooooooot! I feel so blessed. :)

Also, thank you for the birthday wishes! :)

Today, somebody turns...

2009-04-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

True that!

2009-04-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive shit"

✌

I can't sleep...

2009-04-16T00:10:00.000-07:00

It's past midnight and I'm wide awake. I have work tomorrow and I'm pretty sure my eyes will be as puffy as it with allergies, if not worse.

For the life of me, I cannot sleep.

I'm getting stressed out. Planning a trip to Vegas, the prospect of moving to a new place, plus I'm getting my new vintage car (fancy way of describing a second-hand car) plus the insurance, paying rent for two places (since there will be an overlap), trying to get myself a well-deserved long-lasting birthday present and making sure that I'll have an awesome time for my birthday getaway...

I feel like I'm the only one working too hard on this. Planning, spending, making sure the reservations are made so I can score a good deal...

I'm getting exhausted.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm the only one who wants this.

Maybe I should just consider staying in town and forget about this whole thing.
It's just another year anyway...

✌,
April

Wishlist!

2009-04-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

I make wish lists every year, just because I like to indulge myself into thinking that I might be getting anything from it.

Here it goes...

A nice dinner somewhere - Seafood. I love seafood. It doesn't matter if it's my birthday or not, I'm always wanting a seafood dinner. lol
Good conversations with good company - sometimes, I feel like all I've been whining, complaining and worrying too much. I'd like to have some nice conversations with my good friends back home. I'd like to laugh with them and take things light.
A getaway - Las Vegas or San Francisco? I'm thinking Vegas is winning.
A full-body massage - enough said.
Adobe Photoshop Elements - this brings out the geek in me. I'd like to have a full version in my laptop and not having to worry about my trial expiring. I have the Photoshop CS in my other laptop, but then it leaves my poor old laptop gasping for breath.

And I would like for myself to get one or two of the following:

Dooney and Bourke Duffle Bag - this specific design and specific color. I've been drooling over this puppy. I'm thinking of getting it.
Dooney and Bourke Coin Purse - just because I want to match the purse with a cute wallet.

A Tiffany Necklace with this pendant that says "Dream a Little Dream". - I fell in love with it when I first saw it online. I'm still debating whether to get this or the purse. Oh, and that I love you pendant is soooooo adorable too!

And for my totally unrealistic but I'm going to make it happen somehow-someday wish:

A Louis Vuitton Purse!!! Seriously, this is the Holy Grail for me! I'm debating which one I liked more. And yes, I'm crazy about the wallet. I am always crazy for wallets.

Understand that all of these are just wishlist. Just like you wish you can travel to Europe for under $20, that kind of wishful thinking. :) But really, I'm getting one of these puppies that I posted here. Somehow, I want to reward myself for being a corporate slave. Lol. And being April, what a good way to reward yourself than to buy a good quality but break your bank purse! Lol.

Kidding aside, I really don't want a lot for my birthday. I just want a relaxing day with my man, a real nice dinner and some laughter. :)

Las Vegas or San Francisco????

2009-04-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last blogged. I think I'm really good at breaking my blogging promises. I lurk on people's blogs though. I try to keep up but I'm just not good in leaving comments. Sowee.
I need to put my birthday wishlist some time soon. I only have seven more days to put it out to the world and for Santa to hear me out. lol. Christmas on April, that's heaven for me.
I am still not done with the blogging layout dilemma.
Also, I need to plan where I want to go for my 25th birthday. Seriously, it's not like you turn 25 every year. That's quarter of a century. That's a big deal. :-p
I'm thinking of either going to Las Vegas or San Francisco. Le Boyfriend hasn't been in either places.

So I'm making a poll. You, whoever is reading this, will have to summon whatever will power you have to click on comment and leave an answer. (Pretttyyy pllllleaaseee...?)

(If you're over 25, pretend like you're turning 25. if you're not close to being 25, still pretend you're turning 25 *wink*)

Where would you want to go on your 25th birthday, Las Vegas or San Francisco?

They can all kiss my ass!

2009-04-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

I’ve been called fat to my face 5 times in one month by some acquaintances, all of them Filipinas. No, I’m not kidding. True story.

The fifth time happened today with one of our dietary aides at work, as I was clocking out for my lunch break.

Here’s the flow of our conversation:

Me: Hey, do you know if the commissary has big bags of brown rice? I recently
switched and was wondering if they have bigger ones compared to WalMart’s.

Her: Oh. Hey, you look like you’re losing weight.

Me: What? Are you sure?

Her: No, actually, it’s the opposite. You’re gaining weight. Your face is getting rounder. What are you doing to your body?

Me: *awkward smile, shrug and silence*

At that moment, I didn’t know what to say, how to react, or which part of her face I want to punch. I was caught off guard and didn’t realize what she was saying or WHY she feels the need to say it.

A minute or two afterwards, profanities were swarming in my thoughts. There were so many things I want to say to her. Cuss her out in four different languages. Give her a snap wicked comeback. But I chose not to. What good does it do anyway? It will only escalate an already bad situation.

And honestly, I’m too fed up to even deal with it. It’s the 5th time and the hurt is no worse from the first.

Even if I cry. Even if I scream. Even if I starve myself, those kind of people will always find some negative things to say just because they're bitches like that.

I understand that I’m not as skinny as Kate Moss nor do I want to be that way. I understand that weight gain is one of my concerns right now. What I don’t understand is why you have to say it to my face in the rudest way possible.

I do not understand why people do it because I could not fathom what kind of person they are for them to put down other people? Why does it matter? What are their intentions?

And no, just because we both came from the same country and there might be a tad bit of familiarity, it does NOT give them any right to do that to me. I accept constructive criticism, by all means, they’re all welcome. What I don’t accept are mean comments that absolutely has no point whatsoever.

My mom taught me better, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything”.

Theirs should have too.

Being grown up sucks sometimes...

2009-04-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

because of such term called responsibilities and bills. The irony of getting a paycheck is just it's waiting to be spent.

Well, at least rent and bills are paid. I don't have that hanging over my head but my checking account is nearing bone dry

Normally, I would have freaked out over this. I'm really good and disciplined with my finances and have been able to save despite a minimal income.

Lately though, I've been trying to squeeze everything in and not having been able to save anything.

The boyfriend and I are planning a trip to the Philippines next year so he could meet my family. The idea is so exciting, the reality is I have to start saving for that trip. It's not exactly cheap.

Plus, we'll be going to Wisconsin this year to visit his family and he won't take no for answer. So I'm going. That's going to be another pay cut because I won't be at work, obviously.

*sigh*

I know this is not blogging etiquette at its finest. It was my personal vow not to divulge or blog anything about my finances.

But my worries and my silent freaking out moments are clouding my mind and I don't want the boyfriend to hear about it.

I'm sure he's had enough of it, so here I am venting it all out in my lonely space on cyberspace.

Like I said, being grown up sucks sometimes...

One of the gazillion reasons why he rocks!

2009-04-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

I cannot decide!!!

2009-04-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of switching to Wordpress because I have a Wordpress app on my iTouch. Lame, I know. But when I'm at work, I'd have this "This needs to be blogged" moment and for some reason by the time I get myself to write it all down, it'd completely slip my mind.

On the other hand, I'm still working on redesigning this blog. It might encourage me to blog more often.

I swear, I need a creative outlet. My mind is full of ideas but my laziness is getting the best of me.

El Nido, Palawan

2009-03-25T12:21:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've been having this wanderlust and thus browsing spots in Philippines that I'd want to go to when I go home to visit (who knows when).

I remembered my uncle, who's an engineer, worked in El Nido, Palawan years ago for a construction project.

I did my research online and this is what I found.

El Nido, Palawan is paradise! I couldn't believe how far some Filipinos would go for a relaxing vacation when you don't even need a passport to visit El Nido.

I can't wait to go there. I'm making this a priority! Lol.

Check these links and these photos, can you blame me?

Photos from www.elnidopalawan.com

Here's a slide show I found online too!

Guess who's back in town?

2009-03-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

He is.

I saw him yesterday. I had to take a second look to make sure that it was him. Gosh, it's been so long since I've seen that face, about 7 months, I think.

The weirdest part is, I saw him and that was it. No more giddiness, that OMG-I'm-gonna-jump-up-and-down-like-a-little-girl giddiness.

I couldn't help but laugh upon remembering how I was 7 months ago. I guess the thought of having a school girl crush made me so excited. I mean, being in a dead relationship at that time, you kinda forget how being giddy feels like.

I acted like a lil girl who gets excited at the thought of seeing a crush. All innocent. Fun. No malice. Of course, I never even wanted to be with him. He was just really cute. And friendly. And when he left, I moved on.

It was such a sweet funny childish memory. It made work more fun, somebody or something to look forward to. I'm glad I had it.

And thinking about it right now, I'm truly thankful that it's David who I'm with.

:)

My most favorite quote as long as I live...

2009-03-05T12:16:00.001-08:00

There are times when I needed to be reminded that even though relationships are not a bed of roses, it's a risk worth taking. Everytime I look at this ring on my finger, I get reminded of how blessed I am to have found an absolutely amazing guy who isn't perfect, but is perfectly meant for me :)

And that I deserve to be happy. :)

Something is wrong with me

2009-03-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

I could not elaborate on what it is because of privacy issues... I wish I could though.

It's scaring me and making me feel bad as a person, as a woman. It's making me feel like I'm not normal.

Sometimes, I'd look at a person and I'd be asking myself, "Why can't I just be like them?". I realize that it's wrong to compare oneself to others, but in this situation, I couldn't help myself.

I am even wishing now that I'd be the same way as I am before. Detached. Too detached to even entertain the thought.

But I know that if I get into that mode, I'd be harming a relationship that I've learned to norture, work on and care for.

I'm at a cross roads here and I'm not sure which path to take. All I know is something is wrong with me and I'm scared. I feel awful, ashamed and sick.

pardon the weirdness of it all

2009-02-25T22:31:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to re-vamp my layout and I'm doing it really slow...

so pardon me.

I promise, it'll be for the good.

xox,

2009-02-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

I've been gone for quite some time, although I've been reading blogs silently (meaning, I don't exactly leave a comment).

In such amount of time, so much has happened. Some things are worth blogging, some aren't.

Well, over the weekend, I got something that's worth blogging for.

I quit my job as a barista at Starbucks.

It was a hard decision to make but at some point in our lives, we have to stand up for ourselves and let people know that we are not putting up with anything less than we deserve.I really love being a barista. It was a humbling experience and it was a great adventure. It helped me a lot and as much as it did, I also know that I don't owe anybody anything.

It just simply has to end. No more unnecessary stress. No more double standards. All of which I took for a year, that's how much I love what I was doing but then I cannot simply allow a person to have that control all over me, nor to give an implification that I'm a liar.

What's funny is that even as I'm walking out the door, people still tend to blame me, calling it a selfish action. But then, who really cares? It's over. They can all suck it, for all I care.

And there quite a few casualties, there was a friendship that's been shattered and a reputation getting slandered.

Just as I had choice to walk away, they have the choice to put their foot down and say "No".

In the end, it's all up to you to get over it or put up with it.

Just letting it all out

2009-02-02T15:41:00.000-08:00

I'm an feeling rather dejected right now.

How can half an hour of somebody's time be so hard to ask?It's not like they were working or doing anything important other than sleeping.

How can somebody not see the importance of being on time, of making sure that the half an hour gets maximized because that's all you got for the day?

I guess it's just me making a big deal out of nothing. Or making too much of an effort? Am I the only one who cares?

Or do things really change as time goes by?

Turn of the tide?

2009-02-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

Does anybody get annoyed of the "best foot forward tactic" or is it just me?

Honestly, it truely disgusts me. When a man tries to woo you, he'd spend all his time (and some of his money, if not most) on you.For what? To get a really good impression.

Female species who are easily attracted to sweet gestures would easily fall for it, willingly or unwillingly. Hoping against the odds that things will stay the same. The sane and logical part of you says, nope it won't. But the romantic and stupid side says it will.

Anyway, I'm just ranting. I'm not saying that is the situation I'm in right now. But I feel like that's what's happening.

Who knows what exactly it is. All I know is I'm not liking it. at. all.

check out these babies!

2009-01-31T13:39:00.000-08:00

I've been "salivating" on these purses. Aren't they pretty? No. They're gorgeous!

I'm trying to save money to get either of these two for my birthday. I'm excited! Hopefully the prices will go down three months from now. :)

I think I'm morphing into a stage girlfriend.

2009-01-30T17:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, albeit really crazy, was a special day for David. He committed to 6 more years to the military (wow) and he wanted me to be there.

It was an honor and a privilege to witness such ceremony. I've never been to one nor had I even thought I'd be able to see one.

David, if in any case you're reading this, I want to let you know that I'm so proud of you and I'm here to support you, all the way.

And of course, I love you. (If I didn't, I won't be in a room full of ~~Navy guys~~ strangers).

Pit Senior!

2009-01-17T23:00:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday, Philippine time. And it's Sinulog once again.

I can't believe it's been a year already since I was on the streets of Cebu for the Sinulog festival. I was dancing, laughing my heart out with my friends. We were on the streets, there was rum and juice, and some chips (for us who don't do alcohol) and a whole lot of laughter.

We were front seat audience of a hit and run too. A motorcycle driver was too drunk to function and hit a lady. The moron didn't realize that it was too crowded for him to pull a hit-and-run, he got mobbed by the by-standers. The journalist in me was (sickeningly) excited for such action. By the time the cops showed up, he was already beaten like no other. Bruised and bloody.

Other than that "minor" incident. I remember it was so much fun. There were fireworks. One of my best friends got so stupid drunk. Well, most of them got drunk.

I remember going home with my brother, who was having too much fun himself, when the sun was about to rise.

Most importantly, I remember the look on my best friend, Fidel's face. Nobody could flaunt a black eyeliner like he did. Not even the Pirates of the Caribbean actors.

I wish I was there again to celebrate with them. I know it will be so much fun.

Ah... good times. Good times.

what a lovely day!

2009-01-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

or not.

Its' been two weeks worth of "hell".

Monday, Monday

2009-01-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

It's supposed to be a typical Monday...

until Corporate walks in!

this news made my day

2009-01-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

Two German children elope for Africa.

It's more than puppy love, don't you think?

Here's wishing you all a...

2009-01-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

sick

2008-12-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

this post was originally written 12/20/08

I am getting so sick with all the bullshit at work, with people being fake, with all the exaggeration, with the useless politics. I'm sick of it all.

Sure, people make mistakes. We are not perfect. Sure, people can come in late...but for crying out loud, please don't exaggerate.

One should not be in a managerial position if she can't even take responsibilities and keeps on putting the blame on her crew.

I am getting fed up.

Season's Greetings!

2008-12-25T13:01:00.000-08:00

Let the blues do the talking...

2008-12-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, Cebu

As I'm typing this entry, it's already 2:00 am in Cebu, Philippines.I suppose, my parents already had their Noche Buena. I'm sure they'd invite the neighbors and our house is filled with our neighbors and their kids.

I miss the familiar smell of the food that's cooking in the kitchen, the Christmas carols playing, the carolers,the fireworks (literally. we kick ass on fireworks display during Christmas eve and New Year's eve), our neighbors blaring disco music dancing their hearts out.

My heart longs for home, for my family, for my friends whom I text nonstop and talk on the phone at the same time, for the festive feeling.

And yet, I also realize that home doesn't necessarily have to be a place. One can find home in company of friends. With all the drastic and dramatic changes in my life, I'm truly grateful I have quite a few friends who pulled me through.

This year, I'll be spending Christmas in my own home away from home with somebody who would do everything in his power to make me feel like home. That is the best Christmas present I could ever have.

A short note for Le Boyfriend:

2008-12-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

Thank you for putting up the cute little Christmas tree. For the wonderful surprises.

Thank you for taking me twice in a row for evening drives to check out Christmas lights.
It's so much fun and brings fond memories of my childhood back home.

What makes it more special is doing it with you, laughing and being totally amused.

Just letting you know that I appreciate it.

You are hardcore! :)

Shout out for the Queen of my heart :)

2008-12-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

Mother dearest and I @ Chocolate Hills last year.

I miss that red hair and my Mama, of course!

To the woman who brought me into this world,

Salamat sa tanan lessons you taught me, the patience and the prayers.

Thank you for teaching me the value of hardwork, living within your means, chasing your dreams while having both feet planted steadily on the ground. :)

I will see you soon and I promise, I'll make you laugh over and over again.

Have a wonderful birthday!

I love you very much.

Dear Snickers bar & Ritter Sport,

2008-12-15T09:38:00.000-08:00

Love(handles),

No more of this.

2008-12-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm resolved to pulling away... to keeping my distance... to hold it in...

Why do things when nobody really sees it?
Why care so much when it's not reciprocated?
Why even bother?

I'm sick with all of this rollercoaster, hot and cold, up and down bullshit.
What I need is stability and consistency.

I gave too much of myself, I'm taking all of it back.
Screw it all.

I'm telling you, he rocks!!!

2008-12-03T09:49:00.001-08:00

Why?

Because last night, he put 4 pieces of my most favorite chocolate in the world, Ritter Sport in my underwear drawer to surprise me and was waiting for my reaction (i know, right?).

Of course, my 8-year-old self kicked in and I jumped up and down while clapping. A truly embarrassing sight that had him laughing his arse off.

And this morning? Another 4 more chocolates in my other drawer.

Ritter Sport = $1.something each (x8)

April acting like an 8 year old = Priceless!

Just the tummy for now, not the tushy...

2008-12-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

So, David and I are okay. I am so into making a big fuss and freaking out that I made myself restless the entire day yesterday until he picked me up from work.

Guilty much? I know.

You know how I realized that I got a man that totally rocks? Well, he decided to write it off - my stupid accusations and insinuations. I'm glad he understands (or at least tries to understand) what I'm going through. And for that, I'm thankful.

I made myself swear on Winnie the Pooh's round rumbly tummy that I will try my very best not to do what I did, again. It's a Pooh-lover's honor so it's kind of a big deal.

Sometimes, I take pride of the title: the Royal Screw Up.

2008-12-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days when I should be wearing that crown and sash.
It's been a really bad day. It started out this morning with an overactive imagination gone wrong and pissed David off.

I've been told that I have a knack for ruining good things in my life and pushing the people, who love me and I love, away.
Since then, I've been on guard for whatever unintentional actions that I might stupidly do. And *tadah!!!* I’m doing the same old crap again.

Like thinking that I don't deserve my boyfriend.
Like thinking that he should be with somebody else (taller, prettier, slimmer).
Like thinking that one day shit's going to happen and I'll be totally abandoned again.

Stupid issues. Stupid paranoia. Stupid shit.

I know deep in my heart that I have a good man in my life. He met me when I was in my worst shape and hung in with me.
He's very supportive and held my hand through out those times. I am truly grateful for having him in my life.

But coming out from a failed marriage where I've been betrayed, hurt and wounded, my insecurities creep up on me sometimes.

I know it's stupid. It doesn't make sense.

Sure, David isn't a saint. He's not perfect. He can be a butthead sometimes but I know he won't do anything to hurt me.

Why am I entertaining stupid thoughts? Why I am trying to ruin something that's so precious to me?

*Le sigh*

Oh, and the cherry on the icing of a 10-foot-tall screw up cake? I failed to inform my boss that his boss from corporate had called and asked for a call back. The repercussions of me forgetting that? I almost got fired. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet!

Wow

2008-12-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

It's official. US is in recession.

How scary is that?

I'm thankful for...

2008-11-27T14:41:00.000-08:00

David - the love of my life, my balance and the only guy who can fart and burp in front of me numerous times but is still damn sexy in my eyes. Thank you for EVERYTHING.

My Fallonite Friends - Andrea, you are awesome. Hang in there, sunshine! Courtney, you should totally give me the brand of crack you're on while at work. You are stinkin' fabulous! Steve (yes, you are a wee bit of a Fallonite), yeah we banter like brother and sister and I'll miss that about you!

My two jobs - despite the fact that sometimes, I feel like I'm torturing myself. I'm thankful that I have TWO and not just one. It helps, a lot.

The Chipmunks - I miss you all and I love you. I can't wait for "the return of the comeback". Numero Doce, The Beat, Bantayan, Boracay... here we come!!!

Fidel - You are my super duper best friend ever. I love you more than anything and anyone. I swear if you decide to stop liking guys, we're getting married! I miss you, porn star!

The Brother - Kiss some Kangaroo's ass for me there in OZ. I'm so proud of you.

The Parents - You both are my rock and my inspiration. I love you.

Ger - Yes, Ger. Thank you. Whatever had happened has shaped me to become the woman that I am right now. I wish you all the best.

Save a turkey, Eat a pizza! Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Indecisive

2008-11-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

I've always been that way. It takes time for me to decide and making decisions sometimes, overwhelms me. I tend to overanalyze things and most of the time, it works to my disadvantage. My brain eats me alive.

Case in point, I cannot decide what to do with my layout. I've been wanting to change it.

I just don't know what I want to do with it. What colors. What design.

Decisions, decisions.

*sigh*

I'm so excited, I could almost pee in my pants!

2008-11-18T09:17:00.001-08:00

Is it the 21st yet?????

Happy Halloween!!!

2008-10-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

I promise, I'll blog with updates.

:)

Can I go as a Couch Potato?

2008-10-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

yeah, that title is pretty lame, but oh well...

So it's almost Halloween. Now that I've moved in town with real neighbors, it will be my first Halloween experience ever. I know, pathetic, right? See, since I got here in the US, I've lived in a farm house, kinda outside of town and who the heck would want to go trick or treating there?

I got a problem though, that evening, I work at Starbucks untils 9:45 pm! Meaning, I will miss all those kids walking around in costumes, asking for candies and all that Halloween stuff.

What I have in mind right now is find somebody who could cover my shift. I hope somebody can. Although, I'm doubting it just because it's Halloween and people have costume parties to go to.

David and I already got candies. Except, we have been "slowly attacking" them already.

We'll see if the candies make it until Friday.

Shoes and Haunted Houses

2008-10-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

I guess it's about time I post some updates... I've been a really bad blogger lately.

My American Express fiasco is already taken care of. I called them and I made sure that I ain't paying for that charges made to my account.

So now, I'm all moved in & almost "unpacked". I could not believe how much shoes I've got. They're actually just piled up in the middle of the living room. I have no room to put them. So I guess I'll be donating them or something.

Anybody there who's size 8 and lives in Fallon and wants some good shoes, holler at me!

Other than that, life's good. I've been taking things one day at a time. David is quite awesome. I really appreciate his presence in my life and how he always assures me that it's all going to be okay whenever I have my "freak out moments".

On the other hand, last night Steve ( a workmate of mine at Starbucks ) mentioned something about going to a Haunted House. He asked David & I if we wanted to go. I was laughing because how could there be a haunted house here in Fallon??? Seriously.

Well, apparently, I was wrong. There is one and it's on the Fairgrounds. It's like $3/person. That's cheap. Plus $2 for a hay ride. No, I'm not kidding. HAY RIDE! Well, it's Fallon. lol.

The last time I went to a Haunted House was in Jentzen Beach in Portland. That was fun! It was quite pricey though but sooooooo worth it!

So now with this haunted house in Fallon, I'm all intrigued and I want to go...

WTF!

2008-10-21T12:24:00.001-07:00

I'm mad, fuming mad. When is this bullshit ever gonna end???? Remember the fraudulent transactions made on two of my accounts (one with my credit card and the other one with my bank card)?

Well, I've been getting security alert phone calls from my American Express. I just checked my account online and there are freakin' 7 unauthorized transactions for some stupid computer games!

I haven't even used my American Express card for 6 months now!

I am pissed! How could this just keep on happening to me ?!?!? I am seriously worried that my freakin' identity is getting compromised.

Ugh. F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I got nothing else to do...

2008-10-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

How tall are you barefoot? not tall enough :-p
Have you ever smoked? nope
Do you own a gun? no, I don't
Do you hate someone right now? no, I don't. hate is such a strong word. let's stick with the good vibes
Do you get nervous? yeah
What do you think of hotdogs? they're okay.. specially the ones from Whole Foods!
What's your favorite Christmas song? The Christmas Song
What do you prefer to drink in themorning? Water
Can you do push ups? I could
What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Earrings
Do you like pain killers? no
What is your secret weapon to lurethe opposite sex? LOL. That will forever remain a secret ;)
Do you own a knife? Thanks for reminding me, I need to get some kitchen knives
Name? April. And you?
Name 3 things u wanna do at this exact moment? Sleep, see David and clean up the house
Name the last 3 things you havebought lately: I've been buying A LOT of things lately
Name 3 drinks you regularlydrink: Water, Water, Water
What time did you wake up today? 6:30
Current worry? Lots....
Current hate? Waking up so bloody early as the weather gets colder
Favorite place to be? Home.
Least favorite place to be? My old place
Where would you like to go now? Home.
Do you own slippers? Ummm, yeah. It would be so sad if I don't
What shirt are you wearing? work clothes
Favorite colors? Brown, Purple, Pink and Black
Would you like to be a pirate? No, I can't stand dirty fingernails. lol.
Last time you had an alcoholic drink? two weeks ago, had that Strawberry Smirnoff that was just disgusting...
What songs do you sing in the shower? Depends on my mood
What fear gets you at night as a child? Monsters underneath my bed
What's in your pocket/s right now? Nothing...
Last thing that made you laugh? I haven't laughed yet so far today... pretty sad.
Last thing that made you cry? Annoyance, hurt and pain that I'd rather not discuss about
Worst injury you've ever had? Back when I was 2 years old, I fell down the stairs, hit my forehead and I have that scar to remind me how "playful" I was.
How many cellphones do you have? 3
Who is your loudest friend? Via, Fidel, Clauden & Courtney! lol.
Who is your most silent friend? Hmmm... Andrea can be really silent
Last movie watched? The Eye, unfinished
What is your favorite book? Twilight Series
What is your favorite chocolate? Ritter Sport
What song do you want to be played at your wedding? "At Last" :)
What were you doing 12 AM lastnight? Sleeping
What was the First thing you did today? smiled :)
What was the last thing you did the day before yesterday? kissed my baby! :)

Whew

2008-10-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

Finally, the move is over. Unpacking is one heck of a job and I know I'll get on it. :)

Thanks to Andrea, David and Stephen for helping me out. What would I do without them?

New Beginnings

2008-10-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

So, remember my last post, the Apartment Haunting? Well, I lucked out. I finally found a place. In fact, I’m moving in tomorrow. I know, right? I can’t even fathom the idea of moving AGAIN.

It seems like every year, I move :

2005 - Fernley to Fallon
2006 - Fallon to Vancouver, WA
2007 - Vancouver, WA back to Fallon
2008 - Fallon to Fallon

The most ironic part is I hate moving! I hate putting stuff in boxes, lifting them, then unpacking them… the whole thing drives me nutters! And not to mention the mess and cleaning up.
But I think this move is going to be different. It’s a BIG move. Couldn’t it be sooo classic that the big “move” I’m going to make would be right here in Fallon?

I know, I know, I’m pretty vague. I’d like to keep it that way, what you see is what you get.

Also, I’m excited. For new beginnings, a whole new chapter of my life. Now, if I could just get the same “excitement” for tomorrow, life will be totally awesome. Or not.

Got this from the Curly girl :)

2008-10-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've done this thing on my blog. Let the questions roll...

Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about? Yes
Are you single? Not anymore :)
How do you think your latest ex feels about you? That I don't know and wouldn't want to know
Do you like what you see in the mirror? Yep
What are you listening to right now? Silence
What makes you laugh? Andrea, David and stupid lame ass tv shows
What are you doing tomorrow? Work. Fun. Not.
Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past week? Yep.
Did you ever think someone didn't like you, but come to find out they really did? Yeah
Where is your ex? Home? I don't really care to know
Do you regret doing something last night? Nope. None at all! :)
Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? Yes.
When you think about your last kiss, what does it remind you of? It reminds me that life's beautiful... that there's still passion and that I'm so bloody in love, it's not even funny. lol.
Who was the last person to call you? Andrea
What's irritating you right now? I can't concentrate.
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with A or Z? No. But what's up with that?
When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Monday night
Where's the person you miss most? Philippines
Have you ever kissed an ex after the breakup? Heck no.
Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl? Yeah, it wasn't much of a waste, as much as a time not well spent
Is there a difference between love and in love? Yes.
Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? Yeah. haha. Highschool drama and all that crap
How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 4
What were you wearing during your last kiss? My work clothes
Whats one thing you wish someone special would do? Take me to Tahoe and go snowboarding or ice skating... just go places... :)
Where were you at 9pm Friday night? Working
Are you waiting for something? Yes.
What was the worst mistake of your life? Holding back
Do you hate being alone? No. I hate being lonely though.
Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? I don't know
Do you find the opposite sex confusing? haha. yeah.
What's the last thing you laughed really hard over? One was with Andrea and other one was with David...
Have you ever kissed someone who's name starts with a C? Nope
Who was the last person to make you smile? David
What are you thinking right now? I can't wait to move in to my own place.
Who was your last text from? Brittyn
What's your middle name? Lyn
Have you ever lost a close friend? Nope
What is your current mood? Lethargic and really really really sleepy
What's one of your sisters name? No sisters, biologically. But I really consider Andrea as my sister :)
What' s your favorite color? Lavender/Purple, Pink, Black and Brown
If you could go back in time and change something, would you? No. Because if I alter things... then I wouldn't find the happiness I am feeling right now
Have a crazy side? You absolutely have no idea.
Ever had a near death experience? Cancer scare
Are you mad at anyone right now? Nope
What's stopping you from going for the person you like? It was the fear of rejection, the fear of getting hurt and too much future tripping
Who would you do anything for? My family and umm.. David :)
Are you happy with your life? Abso-freakin-lutely!
Is there someone that you will never stop loving? Yes
Who do you trust most? Andrea and David.
Have you ever been in a fist fight? Long time ago...
Have you hugged someone in the past week? Yes
Do you speak any other language? Yes :)
Describe your life in one word? Adventure! :)
Have you ever kissed in the rain? I sure would love to!
What should you be doing right now? Working. Shhh...
Who are you thinking of right now? David.

So close...

2008-10-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

I can feel that I'm almost over this hump...

Saturday is the big day. I can't wait.

yawn

2008-10-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

I got here at work an hour early today and this was my boss' reaction as he walked by my desk:

Me: Good Morning, boss!

Him (obviously shocked): Are you that early? Or am I that late?

Me: Nah, I'm early.

Him (with a sign of relief on his face): Oh good.

That one big step

2008-10-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Nothing could possibly explain how mixed up & messed up my emotions are.

No, I don't think I'm going Bi-Polar.

I'm going through a really tough time, it's been a long time coming and I'm glad that I'm FINALLY doing what I should done a long time ago.

Deep in my heart, I'm really happy. I look forward to the changes that are coming.

But I am also realistic, I know that it's not going to be a walk in the park. I am starting to feel how awful it's going to be despite my attempts to make it really smooth and less traumatic.

If there is one thing that came at the most perfect timing, albeit unexpected, is My Rockstar. The timing could have never been perfect. The reassurance and sincerity coming from somebody like him makes me believe that everything is going to be okay.

The happiness that I'm feeling right now is coming from the anticipation that soon, it's going to be over and things will be a whole lot different. Although sometimes the dark clouds tend to hide the sunshine away, My Rockstar is my silver lining.

hmmm...

2008-10-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Things happen for a reason". I've always heard that line and I've always thought it was either BS or an overrated cliche... until fairly recently.

Things REALLY happen for a reason.

All I'm saying is I'm very happy, plus somebody is giving me a reason to smile, is making me look forward to each day being with him, is giving me some strength and hope that everything is going to be okay.

I'm positive that whatever I'm going through right now, I'm gonna make it.

I'm determined to be happy, damn it! :)

This ADD moment is brought to you by... oh a bunny rabbit!

2008-10-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

Please pardon my rapid layout change.

I cannot decide which one to use. I have no time to play with graphics and html so it can't really be "April-ified".

3rd post for the day

2008-10-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, I must be REALLY bored.

Anyhooooo...

Why are some people cranky? Why? What's their problem?

Having a bad day? I am too. But I don't bite anybody's head off. I try my hardest to smile even if it's excruciating.

Don't worry, Sue happy

2008-10-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

I thought I had issues with my worst-dye-job-ever hair until I read this.

Under Construction

2008-10-08T15:07:00.002-07:00

I'm bored with my super white plain layout.
New Layout, or maybe a recycled one is coming right up.

But for now, I'm enjoying my Halloween layout! ;)

She's the Bee in the Itch

2008-10-07T20:48:00.000-07:00

So I walked in Starbucks close to tears because of my stupid cramps. It really hurts like hell.

To make the long story short, I talked to my supervisor saying that if there's any way I can leave early because the pain is unbearable and I probably can't make it through my entire shift without crying buckets or something worst like dropping my uterus on the ground.

This another co-worker of mine gave out that conniving diabetically-sweet smile saying, "Are you okay?".

"I don't feel good.", I responded.

"Oh, you just don't wanna close, do you?".

She was insinuating that I'm "faking" this stupid cramps and squeezing out my tear ducts just to avoid work. WTF is her problem.

Was she trying to make a joke? She should try harder, it wasn't funny.

I'm typing this while I'm still concious

2008-10-07T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm suffering in pain. Literally. No exaggeration. Cramps is a fuckin' torture. Seriously.

I'm worried because I have to work at Starbucks tonight and I have to be on my feet for more than 4 hours.

How am I supposed to do that with a pain like this???? It feels like somebody's punching my stomach and at the same time, something is trying to wrench out my uterus.

No kidding.

It's like a neon sign saying "LOOK AT ME"

2008-10-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

There are three ugly creatures sitting on my face. They're annoying and they're attracting attention for wrong reasons.

The first one, I call it the "Boogimple". Because it's sitting right near the opening of one of my nosetrils. It looks like a booger but it just really is an ugly pimple.

Second one, I call it the "Angelina Joliemple". Because it's sitting right below my thick lower lip and it hurts like crazy. And also because I'm wondering if Angelina Jolie gets pimples like mine sometimes...

And the last one, I call it the "Flashing One" because it's resting near my chin and it's HUGE and it makes people stare at it like you just want to pop it.

They're only here for a short visit to welcome "the red flag". Pretty soon (like tonight), they're soooo getting evicted through in any means possible, Proactiv, Witch hazel, Yes to carrots facial mask or heck, sand paper! I don't care, whatever it takes.

One line.

2008-10-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

I love it!

Definitely worth the money. I love it so much that I bought the Twilight audio book.

Biting the bullet

2008-10-06T16:09:00.001-07:00

Since I am working my tushy off like a mad horse, I am buying myself new toys. Read: gadgets.

So I got an iPod Touch and I'm totally inlove with it. I have an 8gig but I think I'm getting an upgrade and get myself a 16gig, I'm uploading photos and my audiobooks in it, plus music and some videos too.

And today, I just ordered an HP 15" dual core laptop. I bought it at WalMart because they have the best prices and less-hassle return policy (I hate paying "restocking fees). It should be here next week or two. I can't wait.

They are not exactly cheap and I know the economy sucks right now and people may think I'm just wasting my money, but hey! I work 70 hours a week, I deserve some treats. ;)

a new toy

2008-10-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to get myself one and finally, I bought myself an iPod Touch.

I can say it's pretty worth the money. The hitch? Well, my iTunes version is SO caveman era, I think it's 4.5 or something. It came with my laptop which is 3 years old. God knows how many updates Apple did since then.

Of course, I could always download the latest version which is iTunes 8.something. Another hitch? My internet connection is SO slow, a snail crawling on a chunky peanut butter would win the race. Yes, that slow.

My only solution is to bring my laptop and the iPod Touch to work. Make this shit work during my lunch of break.

I'm crossing my fingers that it works.

For now, night night my few lovely readers! :)

bits and pieces

2008-10-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

Stress is killing me with juggling two jobs plus getting my ass chewed left and right. It's not so much as the two jobs, as it is with the schedule and time management. I know I'll get through this. But this emotional upheaval that I'm going through does not help. at. all.
I realize how much I hate hypocrites every time I see one. Case in point, whenever I get the "pleasure and horror" of working with this certain workmate, it drains all the energy out of me to try to be nice to her. After I've been thrown under the bus by her, I can't help but feel repulsive. She does not know that I am aware of what she did, but she is so fuckin' fake. Acting all sweet and nice. Ugh.
I've been an emotional wreck lately. I wish I could elaborate on this... maybe in time I will.

South beach diet, anyone?

2008-09-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

If dolphins can do it, I possibly can!

On the bright side? At least, I don't have to do some aquatic stunts. ;)

Whoever said that...

2008-09-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

...time flies fast when you're having fun is lying!

My day is flying and I'm not sure if I'm having fun.

I don't know where the rest of the day went because I'm SO busy. In between taking phone calls, I've had a lot of paperwork to do. I'm pretty sure, it's not as much as other people does, but still, it's driving me nuts because I hate clutter. Ugh.

Not to mention that I've been feeling under weather since last night.

Now, I'm taking a breather because "they're" on a meeting and I'm going to try this yummy scoop of chocolate ice cream and a slice of chocolate cake, dang it!

Oooppsss! There goes the phone ringing again, I spoke too soon.

At least there's no need for a heimlich maneuver

2008-09-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

You know what's funny?

... I just spent my half an hour lunch walking to the gas station to get me some 100% beef hot dogs (no nitrates and all those other crap).

... and I'm sitting here on my desk eating the oh-so-good hotdog!

... and every bite I take, I silently pray that the phone doesn't ring.

I've marked this date weeks ago!

2008-09-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

September 22, 2008.

My most awaited night. Why? Why because it's the premier for Dancing with the Stars!!!

For those who don't know yet, I love to dance. I love dancing. I blew hundreds of dollars when I went to Arthur Murray School of Dance and I know it's worth it.

So yeah, I'm a dork like that. :)

I finally have a social life!!!

2008-09-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

Last night was fabulous! I had dinner at La Fiesta with my friends, Andrea and Courtney. I just don't consider them as my workmates, they're my friends and they're really awesome.

We had a great time just chatting away and being crazy.

Oh, and did I mention that the purpose of having dinner at this Mexican restaurant in Maine Street was to see Andrea's crush as well? He's really cute and from what we've heard, he's straight edge.

Well, he used to be this crush of mine too (like a long time ago, Andrea please don't kill me lol), until I learned that he was 18. Too young, butI digress.

What cracks me up the most was he was our waiter last night and everytime he'd come near our table, Andrea and Courtney would go crazy silent. I had my back on him so I really have no idea what's going on and I'd just keep on blabbing until I realize what the awkward silence was all about.

It was hysterical. I was nervous for Andrea and I was watching myself so that I won't say something really stupid.

Anyway, we gave him a huge tip and Andrea's phone number written on the guest receipt!

Andrea instinctively went in the bathroom because she doesn't want to be a part of Courtney's insane but ingenious idea.

As we were walking out of the restaurant, we made sure to tell him that the tip on the table was for him. I also "planted a seed" saying he should come by to Starbucks and we'll (or Andrea will) make him a Caramel Macchiato!

and the seed shall grow...

To Andrea and Courtney, you ladies are fantabulous! Cheers!

It hit me like a "whoa!"

2008-09-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

I finally got the sign I was looking for. An answer. So I'm letting it go and letting it flow.

And as if the sign wasn't enough, I found this too...

Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart...
Try to love the questions themselves...
Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given
because you would not be able to live them
and the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

crossing my fingers

2008-09-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

I'm over analyzing things. It's eating me alive.

I just don't want to appear like a freak. But at the same time, I know that if I don't do it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

duct tape across my lips

2008-09-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was another tough day at work. What makes matters worst was that I did not even see it coming.

I had a serious talk with my manager and yes, it was all about the gossip.

It sucks to be accused of being involved in the gossip chain, when I'm the one who's being talked about. It's my private life that's being exposed out there for people to feast on. Yet, somehow, she said, all the gossip leads back to me.

Of course, it leads back to me. I'm the one they're talking about!

I learned that even if I don't say anything, people will still put words in my mouth. Their distorted perception just adds fuel to the fire.

To top that off, there was an incident with a supervisor and a customer. I was merely a witness and had to apologize for the mishap. You know, customer service. I just can't shake off what she did but still, what I did was apparently wrong because I got involved.

I honestly don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and I have to watch out whatever I do or say. I've never felt so restricted and so edited at the same time.

Drama queens should be bitched slapped

2008-09-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

I did not realize that there are really existing individuals that thrive on drama until yesterday.

I think I've made it clear enough on my past blog entries how much I hate gossip. How much I loathe gossip.

I'd rather talk a puppet than talk crap about other people...

Yesterday totally exhausted all the patience I have in my body. It's too much complicated to elaborate but let's just say a co-worker made a very wrong judgment about using my personal life as a conversation starter to a customer. What makes matters worst was I heard about it from the customer itself.

I didn't even blog about those stuff because I don't want to think about it. I don't want to deal with it. And there she goes, blabbing casually about it as if talking about how nice the weather is...

It was like somebody slapped me on the face. I caught me off guard and I felt betrayed.

It's all settled now because I called that co-worker yesterday, not in a confrontational way because I've had enough time to calm down. But I made it a point of letting her know that I wasn't happy with what she did and she was totally out of line.

I don't hold grudges so that helped a lot. But at the same time, I know now who my real friends are and I know who not to trust.

Te Amo, Mi Hermano

2008-09-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

"if I turn into another,
dig me up from under what's covering the better part of me...
sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone..."

Happy Birthday, my dearest brother!
I'm so blessed to have you as a sibling. God knows how proud I am of your achievements! I love you, Bok!